Awkward times ahead
Well, I have fallen out with my Mum's Husband, Neil. Or "Saint Neil" as we all refer to him.
He has always been very posessive of my Mum. If she is caught so much as talking to another man he will have a tantrum and a sulk. Or if she talks about her past, he will get all queer with her. She is allowed, it seems, to talk about my father to me without irking him but everything else is strictly off limits.
Anyway, since Mum has become ill he has gone into overdrive. Now I can put up with the curt, snipey comments but what I do take exception to is his attempts to stop me seeing my Mum. He shows all the classic control freak tendencies ie: tries to remove Mum from her friends (is most unpleasant to them, culminating in them ceasing to visit) and also her family (her own mother is made unwelcome). Now I have been kind and loving to this man, treated him like one of the family, in spite of my growing reservations. My Mum is a strong person, or at least always has been, and I have always been confident that she would never let a man walk all over her. Well, until now. Of course I can appreciate she is very frightened at the moment, and I don't doubt that Neil is caring for her with utmost kindness but how long will that last with a man who is not a rational human being?
Circumstance are, Monday was the last time I could see Mum for a week, as she was entering her lowest period of immunity on Tuesday for a week and was trying to avoid contact with anyone unneccesary. As I am usually grubby from the horse field I accept this is sound judgement! So I arive Monday at 5pm, the back gate is locked (I always use the tradesmans) so I ring the doorbell. Saint Neil appears from the gate and wont let me past, he says bluntly "We weren't expecting you." Which is crap, as I had said on the Sunday when we went for lunch I would be coming round. I wanted to take a photo of us before she lost her hair. Anyway, I just looked at him. He told me my Mum was too tired to see me and went to walk back thru the gate! I said, "Oh, I'll just go then shall I?" to which his reply was "Good" and he walked back in and locked the gate! I was so angry and admit I was quite immature and said to him as he was locking the gate "You should stop being so over-protective, I am her daughter!" and the called him a f*$@king a-hole. Not one of my finer moments, I'll grant you, but I was incensed.
I have spoken to Mum today and she is still doing fantastic. I don't intend to mention anything to her while she is undergoing treatment, he clearly hasn't said anything to her, for which I'm glad. She's on her precautionary anti-biotics and am hoping she gets through this week without catching any germs. If Saint Neil thinks he can get rid of me as easily as he has managed to eradicate some of the others then I've got news for him. Of course I have to be very tactful during these times but let's just say he's gonna get pretty sick of the sight of me over these coming months ;)
The biggest shame is that if he were a normal, rational person and just accepted Mums friends and family, he could have so much fun, love and warmth. at the end of the day he's a fool to himself.
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He IS a f*?king a-hole.
...but you sound as if you have exactly the right spirit to take him on while remaining sensitive to your poor mum's feelings.
I'd be tempted to deluge him by post with brochures from anger and jealousy-management counselling services or emails about the destructive perils of control-freakery. Please stick around here for support; you too are going through enough without having to cope with this jerk's insecurities.
Keep us posted
Cat xx
What a P...K!!!!!!!!!
How dare he dictate to you when you can or cant see your mum. Under the circumstances I think you were quite genteel in just calling him a Fkg A@h I would have let rip. Dont be intimidated by Saint Neil, you should spend as much time with you mum as you want to (without putting her in danger of infection) of course. As for Saint Neil I would be knocking his Halo off, if you know what I mean. Keep positive and be their for you Mum, and dont let this man stop you from visiting or spending time with her.
Cheers Cat ! Sometimes you
Cheers Cat !
Sometimes you doubt yourself, but I know its not just me who has put up with his behaviour, so I do have people to talk to.
I like your thinking, gave me a broad grin :) mwa ha ha !!
Saint Neil
You called him right! Let's hope, for your Mum's sake that he doesn't all the extra help and support that he is turning down. I can tell you are not going to be fobbed off and neither should you be, your Mum will be expecting extra visits from you right now.
Hope you can continue to 'make a pest of yourself' and stop his little game.
Sincerely,
Angela
xx
BEWARE BOLD LANGUAGE!
What a bloody cheek!! He'd be called worse than a @****** a****hole if I was in your position. He has no right whatsoever to treat you in such a way - I don't care if he is in shock, you do NOT behave like that! I honestly don't know what to say, because I don't actually have one of him in my family, but YOU sound fit enough to take him on. Your Mum should have her daughter, other family members and friends around as often as she'd like them - they are all part of her process of dealing with this cowardly disease. I know what you say about your Mum's "low immune" time, but there's no need to go overboard and repel everyone who dares to show their face at the door/gate. My oncologist said when you're immune system is low, you avoid certain situations, such as: going to places with large crowds of people and avoiding contact with someone who has a contagious disease or flu. My pals are never away from the door, though they wouldn't visit if they had so much as a sniffle and I've never caught anything; cold or flu. It's being common sensical, not nonsensical. I hope Neil begins to get a grip soon and begins to realise the importance of your Mum seeing you as often as possible. Go get 'im girl!! Hold on tight, with lotsa love kate xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Letters
Hi Sim,
If Saint Neil won't let you visit then write letters to your mum. I'm sure she will treasure them and it will make her day to have this contact and it can be something she can read and reread. Make the letters or notes cheerful and upbeat - perhaps even buy some funny cards to make her smile.
On the subject of Saint Neil, does he have any family you could contact who might make a good go-between? Or do you have contact with a McMillan nurse who could act as negotiator? He may be a ************* but you do need to keep lines of communication open.
The very best of luck,
KateG
Thanks Everyone!
You are all such a massive support.
I'm so glad I found this website, it seems such a shame we all unite under such awful circumstances tho doesn't it?
I'm still on the phone to Mum every day and will be back round there after the weekend. I will keep you posted!
Thank you for making me smile xxxx
Hi there
There's definitely somethng fishy here, and it isn't the left-overs in the cat's bowl. Does this man have a family of his own? Is he in contact with them? Why do I suspect not? I also suspect that if he is not letting you see your Mum he may well start intercepting letters. An outside agency such as Cancer MacMillan is definitely the way to go with this one as perhaps your Mum is believing what he says about no contact because of reduced immunity. As others have said though, the only places to avoid are crowds, public transport (if possible), swimmingbaths and people with streaming colds, coughs or lurgey. I'm afraid that even going to the hospital automatically puts us all in contact with sick people (hence the need for everyone to use the handwash at the entrance to wards - I also try to follow staff example by opening doors and turning on taps with my elbow or coat-sleeve pulled over my hand).
When is your Mum next having chemo? Is it posible for you to go to the hospital? Does her self-appointed guard-dog go with her? If not, you could sit with her in the hospital and also make arrangements for a Cancer MacMillan nurse to call at the house at a time you can be there.
This man just sounds very peculiar, like some character out of a Sheridan Le Fanu Victorian mystery story.... Please keep us in touch. Sending hugs. xxxxx Penny
Do you know
Saintliness
Well, you see Penny, this is why I think my Mum sees him with a halo - he has 2 daughters, who he raised on his own as a single father One lives local and one lives in Australia (not local eh!) and so therefore everyone assumes he must be a nice guy. In fact I worry I sound like a real cow for saying otherwise!! I'm sure they think their father is wonderful, no reason they wouldn't. I expect he was a great Dad. Other than that he has no family that I am aware of.
Don't worry about me getting through to Mum - I sure don't need backup. Am a tough cookie, me! I deal with arseholes for a living, one more wont make any difference!! Intend to visit Mum lots next week - I guess that will be a telling time on how he reacts to me. Mum is next due for chemo 8th December. She has a designated cancer nurse, who I may ask to inform her re the "solitary confinement" ! Good idea.
He is peculiar. Sad insn't it? Pityful.